


Auld Lang Syne

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Canon, Fluff, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-05-15
Updated: 2004-05-15
Packaged: 2018-12-27 14:16:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12082758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: Brian reveals his feelings before the new year.





	Auld Lang Syne

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

Standing with their arms wrapped around each other’s waist the two lovers, gazing out of the loft’s large window into the crystal clear night sky. The blackness of the sky was sprinkled with millions of stars that glittered with the brilliance of the purest white diamonds. The sound of the TV playing low in the background; it was minutes before midnight on New Year’s eve and they were waiting to hear the announcer herald in the New Year with the dropping of the ball in Times Square.

Brian and Justin had decided to welcome in the New Year in quiet celebration, just the two of them at the loft. They wanted to avoid all the hustle and bustle that went along with ringing in the New Year and just spend it quietly reflecting on all that had happened to them in the past several months and how they got to be in this time and place and each in his own way was very grateful that they made it together.

Losing his job and having to sell most of his valued possessions to pay off part his huge debt had not been very easy for Brian. He was a person who believed that success in his job defined who he was and he measured his self worth by his material possessions, so it had been a severe shock to his ego when he realized no longer held any of them. Justin being kicked out of PIFA didn’t help the situation either because he felt partly responsible for his non-boyfriend being outted when Stockwell and Vance had appeared unannounced at the loft that fateful night.

But they were together and they both realized that is what mattered the most. Brian would eventually find a job and be able to once again fill his loft with furniture and expensive trappings and Justin would find a new school to enroll in. Granted the new school may not have the prestige that PIFA has but at least his education wouldn’t have to be put on hold.

The bottle of champagne sat chilling in the ice bucket and the fluted crystal glasses stood waiting for the quiet celebration to begin. Brian and Justin moved to the bed; the only real piece of furniture left, to await the count down to midnight and in low whispers talked about what they hoped their futures would bring in the New Year.

Secretly Brian wanted to find a job in his area of expertise; one that was as lucrative and worthy of his talents as the position he had previously held at Vanguard. But all he told Justin was he’d be happy just finding a firm that would hire him so that he could get his career back on track and furnish the loft again. Sitting on the hardwood floor and watching TV on 13” screen was not his idea of fun. Justin told Brian that he was sadden that he would not be able to return to PIFA, but on the positive side finding a school that would accept and carry over his credits would make him just as happy.

As the time drew closer to midnight, Justin found himself wanting to ask Brian the inevitable…what about them and their so called relationship? Where was it going to go from here? Justin knew Brian would never say those three little words and if truth be known, he no longer expected to hear them from him but he did want something more concrete. Where did he stand in Brian’s life? With the New Year just minutes away he wanted to resolve this issue or at least have some idea…something promising to look forward to when they rang in the new year…a ray of hope…a new beginning.

Hesitantly, Justin decided to broach the subject. “Bri, can I ask you something?”

Knowing where this questioning could lead, Brian reluctantly replied, “Sure Sunshine, you can ask me anything.”

“Are you sure? You won’t get mad if I bring the topic up?”

Now it was confirmed, he knew what Justin wanted to talk about and it was a conversation that was long over due. Brian felt he owed him some honest answers, after all Justin had stuck by him; never really giving up on them.

Grumpily he replied, “I told you, you could ask me anything.”

Sighing, Justin decided to lay his cards on the table. “Brian, where do you see us going from here? What is it we have together? What am I to you?”

Brian sat silently contemplating his response. They had been through a lot together, but the big question remained could he really tell him truthfully how he felt. What path did he see them following? What did he and Justin have together? What was Justin to him?

Slowly he opened his mouth to speak, then stopped. This was going to be a lot harder than he thought. Brian was never one for talking about his feelings; always keeping them well sheltered behind his walls.

“Justin…I…” pausing Brian grappled for the right words. He knew in his heart of hearts he loved Justin but what would it mean to their relationship if he actually verbalized his feelings. The words, in their own way, meant such a commitment…a responsibility he wasn’t sure he was ready for or that he could uphold. Captivated by his lover’s sparkling blue eyes, he reached out and tenderly brushed his fingers along Justin’s cheek.

“Justin,” he began again, “I know what you want to me to say, but it’s always been hard for me to express my feelings and I want to be sure that what I say to you or any promises I make is something I can keep. From the moment I met you I knew you were someone special, someone who would change my life.

Holding his breath, his heart in his throat, hope, fear and anticipation filled his heart and soul and he looked deep into the eyes of the man he had loved for the past three years. Justin was suddenly unsure if he was ready to hear what Brian was about to say, but he realized once and for all he had to know. Taking Brian’s hand in his, he entwined their fingers hoping to give his lover the strength to speak from his heart.

“You know that talking about this sort of thing is extremely difficult for me, and having you sitting there with your beautiful face full of hope looking back at me isn’t making it any easier,” Brian confessed. “I wish I were different, and could tell you all of the things that you want to hear, make sense of where we are going with this relationship, and provide you with the warmth and security that are so important to you, but I’m not cut like that. It’s difficult for me to express my feelings and I show very little emotion . . . not because I don’t love you, but because I am afraid to let myself go and just be yours.”

“But, Bri . . .”

Brian cut his lover off before he could go any farther by shaking his head and holding up his hand to silence him so that he would let him continue. He was afraid that if he didn’t speak up now he would never have the courage to do it again.

“Love for me is something that has always been something that was shared by other people; I saw my friends embracing it, but it was not part of my life. It was not part of my family, and every time I tried to let myself go and love someone, I ended up being bashed, worse than what happened to you on the night of the prom. To protect myself, I have built up my ability to hide my feelings, and to ward people off. Whenever someone got too close, I did stupid things to push them away; like pissing on your comic when you worked on it at the loft or at the rage party when I cut you lose to go with that fucking Fiddler. The things I have done have hurt you . . . I know that, but I couldn’t help myself. I knew they were wrong, but you were getting too close . . . you were becoming part of me; part of my soul, and my heart. Each time I resisted your love, and each time I spent my days and nights suffering for my behavior.”

Tears began forming in Brian’s eyes and as Justin watched his lover struggling to form the words he so wanted to hear. His heart broke at the anguish that Brian was experiencing, but he knew that if he didn’t get his true feelings out now, he might never do so. Gently he encouraged Brian to continue, without voicing any of the want that he felt in his heart. Silence was the best help he could give Brian now, and his heart ached as he resisted the urge to hold Brian close and comfort him.

“It’s not you, Justin,” Brian continued in a low voice. “It never has been. I have loved you from the first moment I saw you on Liberty Avenue, but I refused to listen to my heart. I refused . . . forced myself to ignore what I felt, and instead struck out in fear because I thought you would be the one to leave me. I thought it was better to be the one who cut you loose first than to risk the chance that you would do it me. I would never have been able to deal with it if you realized that I wasn’t the one for you.

Justin kept nodding his head encouragingly and coaxing Brian silently to continue, his eyes moist from the all the emotion that was being played out between them.

“You talk about love, and needing me like it was second nature; like it was something that everyone should be able to do and give freely, but for me it’s the hardest thing I have ever faced. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. That doesn’t mean I don’t want you, and it doesn’t mean that I won’t be here for you.

You are mine Justin. You are a part of my soul, part of my every thought, and the reason for my happiness, I . . . I can’t . . . I can’t say it differently.”

With the last few words, Brian choked back a sob, but couldn’t check the flood of tears that ran down his face.

Justin couldn’t believe what he had just heard pass from the lips of his lover. Words that seemed like he waited an eternity to hear. But did I hear right? Brian actually admitting to me that he loves me, that he wants me, that I am his, Justin thought. A feeling of warmth and love surrounded Justin’s heart as the meaning of Brian’s confession sunk in.

“I hope that you can understand,” Brian choked out, his emotions playing havoc with his voice. “I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like to want; to be wanted. You know that my parents never really wanted me; especially my father. That bastard hated me before I was even born, and my mother never showed me how to love, how to hold, how to be understanding. What I know is how to take care of myself; to rely only on myself. I’ve never learned how to hold another’s emotions in my heart, another’s trust, or another’s love. To me those things have always foreign. It’s always been get what you can, when you can, and to hell with anyone that gets in the way.”

“But Bri . . .” The blond’s heart was breaking and he wanted to reach over and stroke his lover’s hair and hold him close until he forgot the pain.

“Please let me finish Jus . . . I need to finish this now, or I’ll never get it out.”

“Okay, it’s just that I . . .”

“I know . . . I know how you feel. Now I understand what it’s like to love someone, to depend on another person for emotional as well as physical satisfaction. Until I met you I just wanted to dominate . . . to possess. I didn’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings… no apologies, no regrets.

The blond gasped in shock and the noise made Brian recoil away from his lover as if he had been struck across the face. To calm him, Justin tenderly laid his hand on his face and nodded his understanding.

“I never thought that love was important; just bullshit that straight people fed each other so they could get laid. To me it didn’t count; in fact, it was a weakness. I felt that if I needed the love of another, I would be weaker some how; less of a man, and that people would hate me for being pathetic. But that all changed when I met you. You were like fresh air; an enigma; someone that I couldn’t get enough of, but hated myself for wanting. The emotion that surrounds you overwhelms me when we make love; and up until now it has been something that I couldn’t deal with; couldn’t understand and therefore didn’t feel I needed. But I was wrong.”

The blond felt the pain that was coming forth and wondered how Brian had held so much inside him for so long. Once again the desire to comfort him was overwhelming, but he let it go and instead focused on the words and the emotion that was being played out in front of him.

“Now, I know what it feels like to love; I learned that when you weren’t here. The loneliness was unbearable; I was never felt so alone in my life. It was like a part of me had been ripped away, and I was lost trying to figure out just what that was. It was, I understand now, everything; the loft, the quiet, the order, the tidiness that was my life without you. I realize now that I need to see your books strewn all over the loft, dishes piled in the sink, and your clothes thrown all over our bed. Those are the things that remind me of you; those are the things that nearly tore my life apart when I didn’t have you. Those things are you, Justin. Those are the things that that drive me crazy but at the same time bring me joy. The mess all over the loft is what I love about you; that and the sloppy T-shirts, and baggy pants. They measure right up there with your tight little ass and wonderful smile,” he chuckled at his last comment.

“Gee Bri . . .” Again the hand went up and signaled that he should not interrupt the flow from Brian.

“I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you, Justin, and that I need you. Now, and forever.” With that Brian looked at Justin hesitantly, unsure of Justin’s reaction. This was something that he could never remember ever doing with another human being, but yet he felt he had grown, and he felt safe and protected. He felt, loved for the first time in his life.

A slow smile spread across Justin’s face as the final words left the lips of the man he loved. Tears clouded his vision as the realization of what Brian had just said to him penetrated the haze that filled his mind and embraced his heart. He had waited so long to hear those three special words, words he thought he would never hear. Justin gently wrapped his arms around the slim waist of his lover and with all the love and desire he felt he passionately kissed away the sadness.

10…9…8….as the count down began Brian reached for the chilled bottle of champagne and unwrapped the foil and unwound the wire that held the cork. As he popped open the bottle the amber liquid spilled over the top, Justin quickly reached for the glasses just in time to catch the bubbling foam. The strains of Auld Lang Syne could be heard, the noise makers sounding off and the jubilant cheers from the crowds rose, the clock struck midnight the voice of the announcer could be heard heralding in the New Year, Brian and Justin clinked their glasses and sipped their champagne; and toasted to new beginnings and hope for the future. The sounds of the celebration coming from the TV seem to fade, Brian leaned in and tenderly brushed his lips against Justin’s; gently kissing and tasting the lingering drops of champagne and sealing their love for one another.

“Happy New Year, Sunshine.”

“Happy New Year, Brian.”


End file.
